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Sawt al Niswa

لا أدري مرّاتًا لماذا اكتب، أو لماذا يكون القمر جميلا دائمًا، هلالاً كان ام بدرٌلا ادري اذااحببت فعلًا في حياتي أم لم احبّ، ولا أدري اذا كان عدد الكتب التي أقرؤها في الاسبوع، دليلًا على تعاستي او حاجتي الماسةلمعرفة اي شيئ عن اي شيئ.

هناك نهارات مثل اليوم،أقرّر فيها أنّ القمر يتحكم بيوبمزاجيوان ألم معدتي من جراء مشاهدتي لإمرأةعجوزفي منطقة الجناح تجرّ علبة عليها تشكلسوشوكولا غندور، وقد وضعت على طرفي العربةعلمين ظريفين لحركة امل وحزب اللهامر جيدفيكهذا يوم يصبح العيش في المدينة هذه امرا لا يطاق (تمرّ الآن امامي العجوز)، ولا اعلم ماذا افعل؟ أأشتريمنها بعشرة الالف ليرة؟ اصوّرها وانشرها علىالفايسبوك أسألها عن وضعيتها المفضلة للحصولعلى شفقة)؟ ربما اعتذر لها، عفوًا تِيتا، حين اسكتُكلّ يوم عن ما يحصل في البلد، تضطرين الى جعلنفسك انسانًا حين نشفق عليه، نحسّ اننا إنسانافضل منه،أو اننا نحس والسلاممن الجميل احيانًا لويستطيع الفرد منا ان يصفع نفسه بكفّ او اثنين كي نتوقف عن هذه الترهات تحديدًا.

في يوم كهذا اودّ لو اعيش عوارض ما قبل الطمث، فتزول حساسيّتي الزائدة، أو لو إنّهاتمطر وأعاني من اكتئاب الشتاء، من حنين عاديّ ناتج عن فراغ، من حزن عابر، قصة ما،سبب ما، يجعلني انظر الى الاحياء التي تعانق منزلي في الطابق الحادي عشر، وأنابصق عليها وعلى الشارع وفوق رؤوس المارّين، ربما سأحسّ بقليلا من التحسن، ربماسأشعر اني قمت بأمر شديد الحماقة واخبرك عنه، ربما ستبتسمين، على فكرة احبحين تبتسمين بصدق.

هناك نهارات مثل اليوم، اعتقد فيه أن الحرب مقبلة بعد خمس دقائق، واحسّ بالتوترواسمع واصغي الى الضجيج خارجاًاطمئن حين اسمع صراخًا وزمامير واصوات سياراتتهدراشعل سيجارتي واحاول ان افكّر في كيف اتفادى الحرب، كم كيلو من الحمّصوالعدس لتكفيني سنوات، هل سيكون هناك انترنت؟ كيف يصبح استعمال الفايسبوكفي الحروب؟ اعتقد ان التوتير فعال اكثر عند الحروب ، كيف سأشرّج خطي؟ ربما عليّ أنأثبّته، ماذا لو لم استطع دفع الفاتورة على الوقتسأحوّله الى هاتف ارضي، هذامضمون في نهارات كهذه، اعيد تكرار الجملة التالية:سارة ما في حرب .وانت مش غادةالسمان لتحطّي خط ارضيفي نهارات كهذه، اذكّر نفسي اني استطيع دائما ان أكونعلى الفايسبوك وان اضغط على زر لايك، اي لايك، حتى اصبح أقلّ توترافيديو جديد عنجثث في سوريا لايك.

في نهارات كهذا، افقد السيطرة على برستيجي الاجتماعي، وأهلوس وأعلم اني قداصدر الاحباطلايكاو اني اعاني من اكتئاب غريب النوع، إكتئاب العجز والعزلة والفرديةالمطلقةإكتئاب ناتج عن القمع المباشر والواضح والخفي، عن اننا ممنوعات وممنوعينمن شيئ او اثنينلايك.

في نهار مثل هذه النهارات، افكر بشيئ او اثنين، كأن انشر نصًّا شخصيًا، كأن لا اذهبالى اجتماع حتى لا اضطرّ أن أحسّ ان الاجتماعات التي اراك فيها تذكرني بالاكتئابالتي تسبيبنه لي، كأن يخسر الفرد صديقًا في لعبة لم يكن لاعبًا فيها اصلا، كأن يصبحالايمان امراً يدعو للملل.

عن النهارات كمثل هذا النهار شيئ او اثنين، كأن الكتابة متعةً أو لعبة او شيئ منالاثنان .

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