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I hate CBT. Or at least, I hate the way my old psychologist used to practice CBT on me. Her method was both incredibly reductive, and somewhat offensive. For example, let's say that I told her that I hurt myself yesterday, she would tell me to "change my behavior" whenever something like this happens, and watch a movie. You know, because mid-inflicting pain upon myself, I'm going to be rational enough to actually get up and do something that benefits my mental health. Because that's what mentally ill individuals--and especially those with chronic depression--do.
I'm not trying to claim a victim narrative or whatever, I'm just saying that the therapy she provided me with made me feel like an idiot. It seemed like every problem I discussed with her had some type of "quick fix", which would make me think that said problem isn't even real to begin with, since it can be solved this easily. One time, she literally told me to "do the opposite of everything" I wanted to do. Again, as though I had that amount of control over both my behavior and my thoughts.
That's essentially what she did wrong. She didn't understand that my mental baseline was so dysfunctional, that targeting my behavior in such a "simplistic" manner was extremely problematic and frustrating. It felt like she was treating a child who felt a little bit sad sometimes, not an adult who needs real, valid help.
Every appointment became a nightmare. I would go there thinking, "Oh god, I wonder how she's going to make me feel like a dumbass today." I know she meant no harm. I know she was just doing her job, the way she was taught. But I can't help but resent her for not taking me seriously. Sometimes, I'd fantasize about barging into her office and yelling at her.
"MY FEELINGS ARE VALID."
"MY PROBLEMS ARE REAL, NO MATTER HOW IRRATIONAL THEY ARE."
"NO, I DON'T THINK HAVING A FAMILY MEETING WOULD SOLVE THE PROBLEM, SEEING THAT MY MOTHER STILL MAKES FUCKING SUICIDE JOKES IN FRONT OF ME."
"AND MY SISTER THINKS I DID IT FOR ATTENTION."
And you know this. You know all of this.
Asshole.
Fuck you and your family meetings.
